So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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