I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Randomize
