The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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