Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
