i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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