I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He told me they were just razor bumps!
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
