Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
