I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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