Where is the hickey?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
