I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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