No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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