drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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