You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
