life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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