Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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