So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize