Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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