Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
