the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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