Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
