Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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