I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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