My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
