my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
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