my vag is so smooth its legendary
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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