god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
