my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
