went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
