Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
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