Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
