I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
