the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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