her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
