So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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