just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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