What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
