im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
