I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
