Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
