Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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