Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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