Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
