I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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