I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
