woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
