I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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