I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Holy shit dude........stairs
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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