Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
