I hate all girls vehemently.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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