I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Randomize