I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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