careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
sarcasm needs its own font
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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