Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
