We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
