We're facebook friends in real life
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
