After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
