i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
