if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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